Let me just say this from now- this is not a whining rant about my job; I love what I do. Just sometimes I feel like ripping my hair out when I sit down by myself and over think every aspect of my work life.
I just got back to London where I actually feel like a normal 21 year old and managed to delude myself for a minute that maybe I am one- then I remembered I had to meet with my accountant and talk about taxes. Then I remembered that the some of the money in my savings isn’t my money, pilule it’s the governments. Then I started thinking about my time in London (my home town where I haven’t spent more than ten days in nearly a year). What if clients don’t like me? What if I don’t work? I need new pictures for my book before the next fashion week (which rolls around awfully fast this time of year)- basically I had a miniature breakdown. I head over to Instagram to distract myself which only increases my growing anxiety, seeing all the models I follow doing all these things and all of a sudden that metaphorical scab I had been picking at turns into a gapping wound and I’m internally screaming “what the f*ck should I be doing?!”
Modelling is one of those crazy careers where anything can happen at any given time but when things go quiet or not to my expectations I put a lot of pressure on myself because I always want to do better. It isn’t like I can study harder or put more hours in at work to better my position, so at times it can be frustrating but at the same time I am proud of myself for what I have accomplished. I’m all over New York with my Old Navy campaigns and excited because there’s more to come, last season I walked for designers who I have been casting for since I was 17 for the first time and I have made money so why do I feel so anxious and frustrated at times?
Some of my Old Navy campaigns around New York.
The answer is because I set goals and aims for myself yet feel like I have no control over whether I accomplish them or not and despite doing the most I can to insure that I keep working and progressing, I know that there’s only so much a model can really do to control what happens in the future and that can be scary at times. I just want to forget everything and run around doing dumb sh*t with my friends but I can’t and when you have adult bills and worries like taxes and rent on top of that it can get really overwhelming.
The reason I’m writing this is because so many people think that my life is set and that I have it easy because my career was “handed to me” at the age of 15 when I first got signed and that is not true. I am just as in the dark and confused as any 21 year old in a world where not a single person really knows the formula to success. Everyone has those days where they feel like they aren’t doing enough or doing the right thing in order to get to where they want to be and it is easy to look around and feel overwhelmed but just remember you’re definitely not the only one. It’s up to us as individuals to decide if we want to let these days defeat us. Rip your hair out, scream, cry, then get back to doing as much as you can to achieve those goals you’ve set because at the end of the day, no matter what you want to do, no one is going to put in as much work for you as you do.